Do you deal with a workplace bully and want to know how to set boundaries with this person to improve conflict in the workplace?
Did you have an important conversation that changed your life?
This blog post describes a turning point in my life.  I hope that it will unlock your own story.

Why RESPECT is so important to Joyce

I was asked to be a guest on the TV show Impact.  The host – Mike Domitrz, founder of Date Safe Project wanted me to share my story on why “respect” was so important to me both personally and professionally. He found me on line because of my trademark Be Direct with Respect®. I started thinking about what I would say and was at a loss for words…this doesn’t happen often being a conflict resolution consultant and keynote speaker! 🙂

I started asking friends why respect was important to them so I could start thinking of my own reasons.

Watch this 14 minute TV show-Impact (below)  with host Mike Domitrz, founder of Date Safe Project 
which describes a conversation that impacted my life.

Look for a future article on Mike Domitrz about the remarkable messages he gives to schools and military about respect, healthy dating, and sexual assault.

I remembered a turning point in my life which was buried for a long time.

I was 21 and just graduated from college as a teacher. I just moved out on my own. I was a free spirit who was always focused on doing well in school. My parents taught me that hard work and persistence were key ingredients to a successful life. My self-esteem was intact. So I thought!

Then I met Jerry, a talented attorney. After a one year court ship, we were married and that’s when the battles began. Our arguments were like we were in a court room with a judge always present. Jerry was very articulate, and because I was not trained in the art of debate, I was no match. I am a positive person who loves to have fun, and tries to be fair. This situation was not fair, and I didn’t have a clue how to stand up for myself.

After living like this for several months, I started to feel like all my energy had been zapped. It was like the defragmenters in Harry Potter. I started feeling invisible…like I had no voice. I didn’t want to get a divorce, but I knew I couldn’t continue living like this.

I became a woman on a mission to learn all about assertiveness so I could get my husband to behave! One book, The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner really opened my eyes. Dr. Lerner wrote that when one person in a relationship changes the steps of the dance the other person follows. It finally became so clear to me. I was trying to change Jerry and nothing ever changed except my frustration level! I knew that I had to alter the steps of the dance. I was the one who needed to change. I needed to take a risk and have a tough conversation the next time a disagreement came between us.

I can remember the argument that broke this passive pattern.

I was filled with excitement about my decision to go back to school and pursue a career in counseling and coaching. Nothing would stop me now. I thought that Jerry would be as thrilled as I was that I would go back to school and help others resolve their issues on their own.

I couldn’t wait to share my new ideas with Mr. Lawyer. Have you ever been caught off guard when someone reacts in a different way than you thought they would act? Well I was caught off guard…big time when Jerry “told me” that going to school would be a waste of time. He “wanted” me to go into sales since he knew how focused I was and that I was a hard worker.

The old Joyce disappeared during THAT argument. I was calm, took a breath and a huge risk and said, “I am frustrated when I share my excitement about becoming a counselor because my ideas are discounted.” I changed the dance steps! Jerry was surprised with my direct statement. I respected him and was not sarcastic and most importantly I respected myself by standing up for what was important to me.

That one conversation changed our entire relationship.

It took many more books and months of coaching for both of us to change our steps. Now let’s fast forward 47 years. We are still happily married. Of course we disagree, yet we are now equal and there is no winning or losing. When people ask me why I became a conflict resolution consultant …I tell them that I married a lawyer. They laugh and think that I’m joking. You know the rest of my story.

So what about you? Is there a moment in your life when something changed…when you finally spoke up for yourself? We all have our own story. Some of us are still struggling and not getting the respect that we deserve. You have to be the one who changes in order to improve any relationship…not them. What message is speaking to you right now after hearing my story? 

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Joyce Weiss Training & Development LLC > www.JoyceWeiss.com

Please let others know about these ideas on reducing conflict at the workplace and home. There may be someone in your life who is feeling stressed out…who could benefit from the inspiration and knowledge on improving their working condition or home life.

Until next time,

This is Joyce Weiss, Conflict Resolution Consultant

I help people become top level leaders who get GREAT results.
I teach them to tackle the tough conversations to build employee engagement, accountability, and rock star performance.

Remember…You Get What YOU Tolerate!

PS Read this article on Setting Boundaries with Workplace Bullies to reduce conflict in the workplace and improve communication.