This new series on “Working with Jerks” is really speaking to many of you. I have received more private emails about readers’ nightmares concerning difficult people in their personal and professional life. Let’s see if you can relate with this story. I will be asking you to share your ideas on how you would have handled the situation.
George’s Travel Nightmare
George went on a trip to Arizona with an alleged good friend of his…Jim. George came down with the flu and could not participate in the side trips. George had a high temperature and was upset that he could not partake in the activities. Here comes the DRAMA! Can you guess what Jim said to George? If you guessed that he was sensitive to George’s situation, you are wrong. Each day Jim said, “George you missed such great experiences. I can’t believe that you wasted your time sleeping instead of pushing yourself.” This trip ended a good relationship. George saw another side of Jim. He could not continue being Jim’s friend after Jim showed such insensitivity.
Joyce, What Do You Think?
I spoke to George a few times to make sure that I understood exactly what happened. I asked him if Jim was just sharing his excitement about his experience and missed his friend. George told me that Jim was been insensitive and was not concerned at all. I do realize that there are always 3 sides of every story…George’s side, Jim’s side, and the other side! If I interviewed Jim, I probably would have heard a totally different explanation. We don’t see how others see us. This is usually the largest communication breakdown. George told me that he “should have” spoken to Jim while on the trip. I suggested that he could still have that tough conversation. George does not want to continue the friendship.
I recently went on a vacation with friends and we constantly teased each other about how we don’t see ourselves as others do. Humor worked with us because we all got into the action. No one was singled out like Jim did to George. It’s your turn to share what you would have done in this situation.
What Would You Do If You Were George?
Would you …
Stay silent and not bring this up to Jim?
Become sarcastic and say something like, “You are an insensitive jerk.”Or, would you say, “I don’t want to create stress between us. I do want to clear the air. I was caught off guard when I heard the comments about how much I missed while I had the flu. Those comments didn’t help me one bit. I felt bad enough that I missed all of the excitement.”
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This is Joyce Weiss, Communication Strategist
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Angie Hibben says
Along time ago a college professor of mine who was teaching a class on Humanities and Relationships was doing a unit on Marriage and finding the right partner. He told us if we truly wanted to see what someone was like to go on a camping weekend with them. When it rains, is buggy or hot and humid their true side will come out and it will show you how they handle stress and uncomfortable or situations that aren’t what they wanted to be.
Could it be that George already wanted to end the friendship with Jim? Could it be that George was so miserable that his was feeling self pity that he was sick and missing out on all the fun and jealous/angry that Jim was able to experience everything? Could it be that George because he was feeling so miserable took things more sensitively? I know when I am sick that I just want to be left alone to recover and the last thing I would want to hear about is all the fun I’m missing.
On the other hand, Jim was extremely insensitive to constantly talk about all the fun things George was missing. But was he just trying to let him experience it 2nd hand or was he being a jerk? Was he really ticked off at George for being sick (not that George could control that) and so he was being a jerk because his buddy wasn’t there to do things with? Maybe Jim felt uncomfortable by himself doing things and was mad that George wasn’t there to help him meet other people.
Unfortunately, like you said there are 2 sides and even if we witnessed what happened there would always be the how we perceived what we saw. I’m thinking George was overly sensitive and Jim was jerk and George doesn’t want to confront him because he is still upset that he missed out on all the fun.
I would have probably snapped at Jim and said “look it I am miserable, I can’t help being sick and I would MUCH rather be enjoying the fun things you are enjoying. Just leave me alone to recover so maybe I will be healthy before the trip is over and get to have some fun.”
Joyce Weiss says
Angie, your response shows how direct you must be with others and it is impressive. Letting Jim know that you are miserable and don’t like being sick is so transparent. He could not be insensitive to that! Asking him to leave you alone is setting boundaries which is also a very honest response. I only wish more people could be honest in a respectful way! Thanks for responding and I look forward to more of your wisdom.